Richard has been working on a top secret "Rasputin" script for the BBC. We have managed to get hold of a leaked early draft - enjoy!
My Rasputin script (top secret) –by Richard K. Herring
As a hovering spacecraft departs an Earth-like world, a
Shrek drinks a dark bubbling liquid, then starts to disintegrate. The Shrek's
remains cascade into a waterfall. His DNA triggers a biogenetic reaction.
In 2089, archaeologists Elizabeth Shaw and Me3 discover a
star map in Scotland that matches others from several unconnected
ancient cultures. They interpret this as an invitation from humanity's
forerunners, the "Rasputins". Peter Weyland, the elderly CEO of Weyland
Corporation and member of Boney-M, funds an expedition to follow the map to the
distant moon LV-223 aboard the scientific vessel Ra-Ra Rasputin. The
ship's crew travels in stasiswhile the android Andrew Collins monitors their
voyage. Arriving in 2093, they are informed of their mission to find the
Rasputins. Mission director Meredith Vickers orders the crew to avoid making
contact without her permission.
The Ra-Ra Rasputin lands near a large artificial
structure, which a team explores. Inside they find numerous stone cylinders, a
large, monolithic statue of a humanoid head, a snooker table and the decapitated
corpse of a Shrek. They find other bodies and presume the species is extinct.
Andrew Collins secretly takes a cylinder, while the remaining ones begin leaking
a dark liquid. A rapidly approaching storm forces the crew to return to Ra-Ra
Rasputin; Shaw takes the Shrek's head. Crew members Me1 and Me2 are left
stranded in the structure. In the ship's lab, the Shrek's DNA is found to match
that of humans. Andrew Collins investigates the cylinder and the dark liquid
inside. He then intentionally taints a drink with the substance and gives it to
an unsuspecting Me3. Shortly after, Shaw and Me3 have sex
(rude!)
Inside the structure, a snake-like creature kills Me1 in
a totally stupid manner, and sprays a corrosive fluid that melts Me2's helmet
(cool!). Me2 falls face-first into a puddle of dark liquid. When the crew
return, they find Me1's corpse. Andrew Collins separately discovers a control
room containing a surviving Shrek in stasis, and a star map highlighting Earth.
Meanwhile, Me3 sickens rapidly. He is rushed back to Ra-Ra Rasputin, but
Vickers refuses to let him aboard, and at his urging, burns him to death with a
flamethrower. Later, a medical scan reveals that Shaw, despite being sterile, is pregnant.
Fearing the worst, she uses an automated surgery table to extract a squid-like
creature from her abdomen. This is the best bit. Shaw then discovers that
Weyland has been in stasis aboard Ra-Ra Rasputin. He explains that he
wants to ask the Shreks to prevent his death from old age. As Weyland prepares
to leave for the structure, Vickers addresses him as "Stewart
Lee".
A mutated Me2 attacks the Ra-Ra Rasputin's hangar
bay and kills several (irrelevant) crew members before he is killed. The
Ra-Ra Rasputin's captain, Janek, plays an accordian really badly and
speculates that the structure was a Shrek military installation that lost
control of a virulent biological weapon, the dark liquid, although how he could
know that is never addressed (apart from in a deleted scene on the Blu-Ray). He
also determines that the structure houses a spacecraft. Weyland and a team
return to the structure. Andrew Collins wakes the Shrek from stasis and speaks
to him. The Shrek responds by decapitating Andrew Collins (LOL!) and killing
Weyland and his team. Shaw escapes from the spacecraft as the Shrek activates
it. Shaw warns Janek that the Shrek is planning to release the liquid on Earth
and convinces Janek to stop the spacecraft. Janek ejects the lifeboat and rams
Ra-Ra Rasputin into the alien craft, while Vickers escapes in an escape
pod. The Shrek's disabled spacecraft crashes onto the ground; its wreckage
crushes Vickers in a stupid scene MEGA-LOLZ! Shaw goes to the lifeboat and finds
her alien offspring is alive and has grown to gigantic size impossibly quickly.
Andrew Collins's still-active head warns Shaw that the Shrek has survived. The
Shrek forces open the lifeboat's airlock and attacks Shaw, who releases her
alien offspring onto the Shrek; it thrusts a tentacle down the Shrek's throat,
subduing him. Shaw recovers Andrew Collins's remains, and with his help,
launches another spacecraft. She intends to reach the Shreks' homeworld in an
attempt to understand why they wanted to destroy
humanity.
In the lifeboat, a Me4 bursts out of the Shrek's
chest.
THE END
Richard Herring 2012 ©
My Rasputin script (top secret) –by Richard K. Herring
As a hovering spacecraft departs an Earth-like world, a
Shrek drinks a dark bubbling liquid, then starts to disintegrate. The Shrek's
remains cascade into a waterfall. His DNA triggers a biogenetic reaction.
In 2089, archaeologists Elizabeth Shaw and Me3 discover a
star map in Scotland that matches others from several unconnected
ancient cultures. They interpret this as an invitation from humanity's
forerunners, the "Rasputins". Peter Weyland, the elderly CEO of Weyland
Corporation and member of Boney-M, funds an expedition to follow the map to the
distant moon LV-223 aboard the scientific vessel Ra-Ra Rasputin. The
ship's crew travels in stasiswhile the android Andrew Collins monitors their
voyage. Arriving in 2093, they are informed of their mission to find the
Rasputins. Mission director Meredith Vickers orders the crew to avoid making
contact without her permission.
The Ra-Ra Rasputin lands near a large artificial
structure, which a team explores. Inside they find numerous stone cylinders, a
large, monolithic statue of a humanoid head, a snooker table and the decapitated
corpse of a Shrek. They find other bodies and presume the species is extinct.
Andrew Collins secretly takes a cylinder, while the remaining ones begin leaking
a dark liquid. A rapidly approaching storm forces the crew to return to Ra-Ra
Rasputin; Shaw takes the Shrek's head. Crew members Me1 and Me2 are left
stranded in the structure. In the ship's lab, the Shrek's DNA is found to match
that of humans. Andrew Collins investigates the cylinder and the dark liquid
inside. He then intentionally taints a drink with the substance and gives it to
an unsuspecting Me3. Shortly after, Shaw and Me3 have sex
(rude!)
Inside the structure, a snake-like creature kills Me1 in
a totally stupid manner, and sprays a corrosive fluid that melts Me2's helmet
(cool!). Me2 falls face-first into a puddle of dark liquid. When the crew
return, they find Me1's corpse. Andrew Collins separately discovers a control
room containing a surviving Shrek in stasis, and a star map highlighting Earth.
Meanwhile, Me3 sickens rapidly. He is rushed back to Ra-Ra Rasputin, but
Vickers refuses to let him aboard, and at his urging, burns him to death with a
flamethrower. Later, a medical scan reveals that Shaw, despite being sterile, is pregnant.
Fearing the worst, she uses an automated surgery table to extract a squid-like
creature from her abdomen. This is the best bit. Shaw then discovers that
Weyland has been in stasis aboard Ra-Ra Rasputin. He explains that he
wants to ask the Shreks to prevent his death from old age. As Weyland prepares
to leave for the structure, Vickers addresses him as "Stewart
Lee".
A mutated Me2 attacks the Ra-Ra Rasputin's hangar
bay and kills several (irrelevant) crew members before he is killed. The
Ra-Ra Rasputin's captain, Janek, plays an accordian really badly and
speculates that the structure was a Shrek military installation that lost
control of a virulent biological weapon, the dark liquid, although how he could
know that is never addressed (apart from in a deleted scene on the Blu-Ray). He
also determines that the structure houses a spacecraft. Weyland and a team
return to the structure. Andrew Collins wakes the Shrek from stasis and speaks
to him. The Shrek responds by decapitating Andrew Collins (LOL!) and killing
Weyland and his team. Shaw escapes from the spacecraft as the Shrek activates
it. Shaw warns Janek that the Shrek is planning to release the liquid on Earth
and convinces Janek to stop the spacecraft. Janek ejects the lifeboat and rams
Ra-Ra Rasputin into the alien craft, while Vickers escapes in an escape
pod. The Shrek's disabled spacecraft crashes onto the ground; its wreckage
crushes Vickers in a stupid scene MEGA-LOLZ! Shaw goes to the lifeboat and finds
her alien offspring is alive and has grown to gigantic size impossibly quickly.
Andrew Collins's still-active head warns Shaw that the Shrek has survived. The
Shrek forces open the lifeboat's airlock and attacks Shaw, who releases her
alien offspring onto the Shrek; it thrusts a tentacle down the Shrek's throat,
subduing him. Shaw recovers Andrew Collins's remains, and with his help,
launches another spacecraft. She intends to reach the Shreks' homeworld in an
attempt to understand why they wanted to destroy
humanity.
In the lifeboat, a Me4 bursts out of the Shrek's
chest.
THE END
Richard Herring 2012 ©